Never did I think that almost 10 years after writing Broken Beautiful that I would still be personally holding on to every single lyric of that song. A song meant to encourage others “in the waiting” and in the broken moments of life had really been resonating with me in 2019. As a songwriter, it feels a little weird when you listen to your own songs and find yourself crying in a puddle on the floor as the lyrics speak to you. Yet the Lord gently reminded me that His word never returns void and that the words of Broken Beautiful are actually His words…inspired by the Spirit of God.
In a tiny room at Integrity Music in Franklin, Tennessee, I sat down with former Hillsong worship leader & one of my favorite lyricists, Mia Fieldes. I poured my heart out and shared my story. I wanted a “beauty for ashes” type of song, but desired it to be more like a prayer that I would pray in my personal time with Him. A vulnerable song that not only conveyed the frustration, hurt and disappointment in the brokenness, but also the hope that comes when those pieces are placed in His hands. I wanted a message that spoke to the silence that we sometimes hear in those dark moments. Mia quietly said, “How about…’Hello God, are You there?’” The rest of the words flowed and that is how Broken Beautiful came to be.
You’ll hear the word “waiting” several times in the song because at that point in my life I felt that all I had done was WAIT. I had been in a waiting season for many years. Waiting for my daughter to be healed, waiting for my future husband, waiting for my calling to be fulfilled. I began to resent the “waiting” as if it was some sort of punishment for bad decisions or it was just my lot in life (insert violin playing here).
"Why were all of my friends seeing their dreams fulfilled but not me?"
"When would I be the one to shout it from the rooftops that I had found my
Prince Charming?" "When would my child be like 'other" children?"
Ever been there?
I had many hard conversations with God that sounded something like this, ”God, I’m not getting any younger" or "God, my daughter doesn’t deserve this" or "God, I've served You all my life.“ Questions that I now know came from a lack of understanding in who God is and in who I am as His child. I felt as if I were somehow not really LIVING until those things happened in my life. I wasted many years complaining about waiting instead of continuing to progress as a believer in Jesus. In the last few years as I've leaned into His Word more, my eyes were opened to a new perspective.
LIFE happens in the waiting…in the unseen moments…in the quiet hidden seasons when you cry out and you feel like all you hear are crickets.
The truth was that He was there all the while in the waiting. He kindly reminded me that His timing is perfect and that He is not surprised by the things that concern me. He was always speaking something to my heart, but my spiritual ears were clogged with all the other voices and lies I had let creep in. I had believed the lie that God just doesn't want me to have what I want, that I had to settle. As Broken Beautiful began to unfold, God showed me that what is coming is so much bigger than what I've been believing for and that I needed to dream bigger! I realized that His heart has always been for me and that in the waiting, there was preparation that needed to take place in my heart in order for me to be ready for what was to come.
In today's society, we want everything quickly and through technology and scientific advances, we have grown accustomed to getting everything immediately. As humans, we are wired to resist waiting. We despise traffic and red lights. We want fast food and fast service. We don't like when people don't text back within 5 minutes. Patience is not a characteristic that we easily acquire. We hear all the sayings like "Patience is a virtue" or "Good things come to them that wait." Those sound great and all, but when you feel lost in the wilderness caused by years and years of waiting, it's easy to lose heart.
In those times when it feels like everyone around you is getting the desires of their hearts at such a fast pace while your life resembles a snail’s journey, God is still working. He's orchestrating things in our lives and we need to listen to His voice and be led in order to see them fulfilled. The steps of a righteous man are ordered of God. We must guard our thoughts and watch our words because the enemy will come and try to assassinate the character of God. His main tactic is to make people believe that God doesn't really mean what He says and it started in the garden of Eden.
If Jesus said that He came to give us LIFE and more ABUNDANT living, then we can take Him at His word.
We should be growing and leading ourselves well in these desert places. He is shining light on areas that need to be pruned and cut away to prepare for the new growth & the new thing God wants to do in your life. If you are believing for a spouse, a job, a child, a physical healing, a family restoration, whatever it is, ask the Lord how you can partner with Him. Begin to change your perspective of how you pray and view God and just receive. Receive the promise He's given and then confidently walk out the process in faith and obedience. There have been steps I needed to take in order to see things fulfilled in the natural.
This week I am re-releasing a new version of Broken Beautiful (2022) and I'm so grateful to the Lord for His goodness. Since we wrote that song, I have seen several promises come to past and there are some that I'm still believing in faith for. However, I don't forsake or regret the waiting. As I have matured in my friendship with Jesus, I realize that some promises were delayed because of my own fear and insecurities and sometimes things were being strategically aligned for me and I just needed to be positioned well.
In November 2021, after waiting 17 years in singleness, I married my best friend and he was the evidence of a promise fulfilled, but I had to be ready for him. I wasn't walking in emotional and spiritual health and needed to grow in my identity. I’m convinced now more than ever that anything worth having is worth waiting for. Don’t miss what happens “in the waiting” by passively sitting by and feeling stuck. There is revelation, trust, growth and much character building in those frustrating, yet precious moments. There should be movement...forward movement and actions on our part, even in the waiting. Realize when you are causing the delay by allowing the enemy to speak a false narrative over your life and when there are things that just need to be aligned in the natural. Sometimes it's both.
Stay in communion with God and you will know exactly where you should be and you can peacefully rest there. There won't be any guessing or striving, even if it doesn't look like you thought. You will notice that the posture of your heart goes from complaining and begging for an answer to a peaceful soundness of mind knowing that God is good and He wants the best for us and His desires become our desires. When we make an exchange with the Lord and we trade our disappointment and hurt and receive His joy and healing, He will give us something so much better.